Underneath It All

I had a tragedy occur nearly 9 years ago. It isn’t only “what” happened to me that’s so horrible, it’s “how” it happened. Part of it was being misunderstood about my beliefs. I can tell you that some years ago when I used to read the news on the internet that I read that this same thing happened to another woman. While her mother and sister were driving home, she quietly opened the van door and jumped out onto the highway, killing herself. I cried for days as I understood her loss and depth of pain. I know “what” happened to her, though I don’t know “how” and even she couldn’t bear the pain.
I share this after many years of blogging because though we have a beautiful life, I am in a deep sense of mourning and pain, day after day. Some could say that I have such a beautiful family and I should not be in despair. But, I say that Job was in despair even though he had more in his latter days than in his beginning. It didn’t take the pain away from losing everything that was meaningful to him. Joseph was hated and thrown into the pit. He still loved his family for years. And deeply. And my Jesus from the beginning when this tragedy occurred… It was the first time I was able to truly relate to His great pain of loving mankind and yet receiving their cruel hatred unto death. His love never waned. I understand this deeply. Some could say, “You need to forgive and then healing will occur.” I have forgiven from the beginning and not returned evil for evil. Listen to me, you cannot hate your enemies no matter how cruel if you pray for them. It is impossible. If you have hatred in your heart for another individual upon this earth, then it is because you do not pray for them until your hatred turns to begging for them to enter the Kingdom of God one day.
If you are a praying man or woman, please pray for our family. I desperately want our children to be raised with a mother who is full of joy, but this sorrow and pain presses me daily. My hope is bleak, my days are dark, my heart is heavy. Time does not do anything for it. I know the saints that are named and unnamed have felt such pain before, many until their death. Read the Scriptures, read biographies of godly men and women who suffered for many years. Most of it was in spirit and soul until they finally were martyred in the flesh at the end. David cried out. This is common among many saints. Loneliness, betrayal and being misunderstood. There’s no greater pain. But, the Lord gives us Words, personal Words to comfort his saints. He is the only hope to people such as me, before and after.
We waited for over 5 years to move. Five years ago I believed the move would alleviate most of my pain. I know now that nothing will alleviate this pain until death. Even full justice or restitution upon this earth cannot help a heart that has been troubled and saddened this long. And that is okay. I believe that the Lord really listens to the prayers of those who plead for their enemies. I have great hope to see those I have spoken about in Heaven one day. It will truly be my most tearful day. Flowing tears of gratitude towards my Creator.

One thought on “Underneath It All

  1. “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds” Psa 147:3,
    Hi, I only read your blog for the first time last night (found through MOMYS!) and was so struck by your pain, I will pray for you. I know that there are times when we are do have face dark, painful and difficult days, but as there were for Job and David days of blessing and rejoicing, as well as sorrow, there can also be for you.
    Your Saviour is One who can heal your heart and bind your wounds.

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